To me, the real issue is that the entire process is one giant double standard which is built on that expectation. At least it is in the US.
If a woman wants to change her last name to her husband’s, it’s fairly easy. She can just mail a form to the Social Security Administration and use her SS card to get a new photo ID.
If a man wants to change his last name to his wife’s, he has to hire an attorney and get a court order.
It’s even worse in Japan, where married women are legally required to take their husband’s name. (There is mounting pressure to reform this, though the conservative ruling party is dragging its feet.)
I guess this is the US of A? Here in a northern European country you get the option when you marry to keep your names, combine both, only keep the husband’s or only keep the wife’s.
Not to detract from your general point, but no, you don’t need an attorney to change your name in (at least most of) the US, especially if you have a reason you can put on a simple court filing like “marriage”. It is somewhat unnecessarily complicated by paperwork, but you definitely don’t need a lawyer and it isn’t recommended to pay for one for something so simple.
I know this because I’m transgender and have changed my entire name, and looked up the process in multiple states.
I looked into the process in multiple states cause I was moving around from state to state at the time I wanted to change it, and while I’m originally from Michigan and would have to go through them for birth certificate changes (so yes, kinda one state to rule them all), the rest of the legal name change process is done wherever you currently live.
I find it weird that it’s an expectation but I don’t think it’s weird that some women like to do it. My wife wasn’t going to change her name, but decided last minute to take my name because she wanted to share a name with any kids we’d end up having and we both agreed we’d want our kids to have my last name. Now we almost have our daughter (our first) and she has no regrets. But I wouldn’t have been upset if she kept her name. She’s got a far cooler last name than me anyway. Maybe I should’ve taken hers. Oh well.
I know the plural of anecdote isn’t data but my ex wife asked me to go get her some stuff from the cafeteria and asked the nurses to have the doctor come back to circumcise our son while I was gone, after we agreed not to, and reaffirmed that we didn’t want to when the doctor first came in. Maybe I should have thought something was up when she asked me to go to the cafeteria half an hour later but it never even crossed my mind. I came back upstairs to the room and there he was, and you can’t undo it. It fucked with me so bad and a big part of it is as the father you’re really not able to be mad about anything in that environment right after your wife gives birth. He’s healthy so I guess it isn’t a huge deal, my second son isn’t circumcised. I’m not saying it had to be my way or the highway but she never even displayed a significant preference when we talked about it. Just said, yeah that’s fine, we won’t circumcise him. Then just did it behind my back. Really fucks with you and yeah it’s not a mother/father problem, it’s a society and individual problem but I’ll go off. I’m not sure how often you’ve had your debates with people but I’ve worked with several women that have said they prefer circumcised penises so they got their son(s) customized.
In hindsight I don’t disagree at all. I didn’t have the best life growing up and unfortunately it really took until my forties to stop being so naive in life. I spent the majority of my life as a doormat wanting to be loved and not wanting to be another abusive asshole and swung the pendulum all the way over to not having any self respect.
I agree with the fact that it’s easier for everyone to share the same name, especially when one parent travels alone with the kids. It’s such a faff (with good reasons) if you don’t have the same.
The issue is more that it’s often assumed that the wife has to take the husband’s name by default, rather than it being ultimately a choice between the couple.
The Spanish system is superior:
FirstName(s) Parent1LastName Parent2LastName
To clarify it’s the first last name of both parents, and you can choose the order with the condition all children of same parents must have the same order.
flamingo said, a couple comments up, that it’s the first last name of both parents. So Child1 should be B J or J B, Child2 should be the same and Child3 should hence be B B, B J, J B, or J J depending on what 1 and 2 chose. Right?
The legal use is 2 surnames, father mother, people can often recite combinations to several generations back, but that is really ancdotic, although it makes genealogy pretty straight forward
Women and men are both ‘expected’ to do a lot of various things. I think the main issue is that the average man doesn’t care, while the average woman does care and adheres to the expectations.
I see this happen so often with women. They keep following some stupid, made up rules, and then complain about it afterwards. Whereas men will just ignore them. Of course, there are many women who don’t have this problem, and many men who do.
It should be noted that affected people are not at fault here. Nobody chooses what personality they are born with. In many cases this is actually a positive trait. So perhaps the core issue is society abusing this characteristic.
ill never understand how “married women are expected to change their name to their husband’s” is still a thing in the 21st century
To me, the real issue is that the entire process is one giant double standard which is built on that expectation. At least it is in the US.
If a woman wants to change her last name to her husband’s, it’s fairly easy. She can just mail a form to the Social Security Administration and use her SS card to get a new photo ID.
If a man wants to change his last name to his wife’s, he has to hire an attorney and get a court order.
It’s even worse in Japan, where married women are legally required to take their husband’s name. (There is mounting pressure to reform this, though the conservative ruling party is dragging its feet.)
I guess this is the US of A? Here in a northern European country you get the option when you marry to keep your names, combine both, only keep the husband’s or only keep the wife’s.
In Spain, since the 16th century, the wife keeps her last name, and father and mother last names are used, the order of which can be changed.
Also, after your 18th birthday you can change it to whichever order you want.
I’ve wondered, though, what happens when the kid gets married and has a kid?
When Juan Acevedo-Rodriguez marries Mariana Cortez-Garza, what is their kid’s last name?
Edit: disregard, I should have kept scrolling, someone already answered my question.
Now that’s the way to do it.
Not to detract from your general point, but no, you don’t need an attorney to change your name in (at least most of) the US, especially if you have a reason you can put on a simple court filing like “marriage”. It is somewhat unnecessarily complicated by paperwork, but you definitely don’t need a lawyer and it isn’t recommended to pay for one for something so simple.
I know this because I’m transgender and have changed my entire name, and looked up the process in multiple states.
You had to do it in multiple states? Or was it a One State to Rule them All situation? Serious question, by the way.
I looked into the process in multiple states cause I was moving around from state to state at the time I wanted to change it, and while I’m originally from Michigan and would have to go through them for birth certificate changes (so yes, kinda one state to rule them all), the rest of the legal name change process is done wherever you currently live.
Oh, sheesh! That’s tough! I hope you were able to get it done and registered and that you are now called by your heart’s name.
I find it weird that it’s an expectation but I don’t think it’s weird that some women like to do it. My wife wasn’t going to change her name, but decided last minute to take my name because she wanted to share a name with any kids we’d end up having and we both agreed we’d want our kids to have my last name. Now we almost have our daughter (our first) and she has no regrets. But I wouldn’t have been upset if she kept her name. She’s got a far cooler last name than me anyway. Maybe I should’ve taken hers. Oh well.
Let’s trade. Women can keep their names when they let their sons keep their foreskins.
Whenever I’ve had this debate, it’s always the men who are pro-circumcision, but go off I guess.
I know the plural of anecdote isn’t data but my ex wife asked me to go get her some stuff from the cafeteria and asked the nurses to have the doctor come back to circumcise our son while I was gone, after we agreed not to, and reaffirmed that we didn’t want to when the doctor first came in. Maybe I should have thought something was up when she asked me to go to the cafeteria half an hour later but it never even crossed my mind. I came back upstairs to the room and there he was, and you can’t undo it. It fucked with me so bad and a big part of it is as the father you’re really not able to be mad about anything in that environment right after your wife gives birth. He’s healthy so I guess it isn’t a huge deal, my second son isn’t circumcised. I’m not saying it had to be my way or the highway but she never even displayed a significant preference when we talked about it. Just said, yeah that’s fine, we won’t circumcise him. Then just did it behind my back. Really fucks with you and yeah it’s not a mother/father problem, it’s a society and individual problem but I’ll go off. I’m not sure how often you’ve had your debates with people but I’ve worked with several women that have said they prefer circumcised penises so they got their son(s) customized.
That would have been marriage-ending for me.
In hindsight I don’t disagree at all. I didn’t have the best life growing up and unfortunately it really took until my forties to stop being so naive in life. I spent the majority of my life as a doormat wanting to be loved and not wanting to be another abusive asshole and swung the pendulum all the way over to not having any self respect.
Meanwhile in reality, women are more likely to support circumcision than men.
Rest of the world: wat
That’s… a bizarre take on the situation.
It’s easier that everyone in the family has the same surname imo
So the kids get double surnames?
Do their kids get quadruple surnames? Where does it end?
I agree with the fact that it’s easier for everyone to share the same name, especially when one parent travels alone with the kids. It’s such a faff (with good reasons) if you don’t have the same.
The issue is more that it’s often assumed that the wife has to take the husband’s name by default, rather than it being ultimately a choice between the couple.
The Spanish system is superior:
FirstName(s) Parent1LastName Parent2LastName
To clarify it’s the first last name of both parents, and you can choose the order with the condition all children of same parents must have the same order.
Just pushes the issue down one generation…
Parent1 B C, Parent2 J K
…
Parent3 B A, Parent4 J H
…
Child1 and Child2 become Parent5 and Parent6
Parent5 C K, Parent6 A H
…
it seems to work pretty well (ends up preferring people with two surnames, which is an ok amount of surnames)
The whole system collapses if you have a child with someone who has “chosen” a different family surname order.
flamingo said, a couple comments up, that it’s the first last name of both parents. So Child1 should be B J or J B, Child2 should be the same and Child3 should hence be B B, B J, J B, or J J depending on what 1 and 2 chose. Right?
The legal use is 2 surnames, father mother, people can often recite combinations to several generations back, but that is really ancdotic, although it makes genealogy pretty straight forward
Right… As long as people were faithful (90%)
Still works, it’s just the DNA that doesn’t get passed along.
Women and men are both ‘expected’ to do a lot of various things. I think the main issue is that the average man doesn’t care, while the average woman does care and adheres to the expectations.
I see this happen so often with women. They keep following some stupid, made up rules, and then complain about it afterwards. Whereas men will just ignore them. Of course, there are many women who don’t have this problem, and many men who do.
It should be noted that affected people are not at fault here. Nobody chooses what personality they are born with. In many cases this is actually a positive trait. So perhaps the core issue is society abusing this characteristic.